sticks and stones

apparently, october is my children’s school’s anti-bullying month.

I know, I know…we never had such thing growing up.

the ribbon is royal blue…and currently, my son’s favorite-of-the-month stuffed animal is wearing one. 

the homework last evening was pretty routine…until the last bullet point:  what does bullying mean?  what do you do if you are being bullied?  and a couple of other points that are important but not in front of me at the moment.

and...my 6-year-old has been bullied.  it’s been going on for three years.  half of his life, and he’s experienced consistent, albeit “nonaggressive,” bullying.

we talked about the person who doesn’t seem to have a kind bone in his or her body…he or she's come up in conversation many, many times in the past, and many are well aware of his/her nasty behavior. 

this kid has been bullying since he/she was three…and there doesn’t seem to be anyone who hasn’t been a target.

I feel so sorry for this young person, who obviously has something very wrong in his/her life. 

but I can’t fix that.  and I am Mama Bear when it comes to my children.  there came a time sometime last year when I had to tell my young son the facts, without any sugar coating:  throughout your life, you will run into someone who is just plain ol’ MEAN. you have to learn how to deal with it.

we’ve discussed many times what WE can do – we can try to help others sometimes...but sometimes, people are untouchable.  regardless, you have to take care of yourself.

this is where it becomes very difficult for me to teach.

I’ve NEVER been good at standing up for myself, even at 35 years of age.  I’ve always been a doormat, so to speak. I have recognized this issue and am working on resolving it…but how do you teach a foreign language to someone when you don’t understand it yourself?

where is the line between standing up for yourself and being aggressive, or becoming a bully yourself?  when is it time to stand up and say “enough of this…I will not tolerate your unacceptable behavior”?  HOW DO YOU DO THIS?

I’ve told my children, first and foremost, that if someone is doing something that makes them uncomfortable, find an adult they trust and say something.  I’ve told my son many times how proud I am of him for telling me, and for letting others he trusts know about it.  

but, of course, his question now is:  “I’ve been telling on her since we were three, but it never changes!” basically, he’s asking “what’s the point?”…and here again, I’m stumped. 

he’s right.  stand up, speak out…but then what?

it’s a core value of mine to teach my children about respecting themselves, and others, regardless of the issue.  I try to consistently teach (and model) that speaking the truth does not have to equal being mean.  sure, it's hard sometimes to have the courage to speak the truth, and sure, the truth may hurt when stated and not sugar-coated…but emotions will come and go while truth will remain.  I hope my kids are understanding the value of being responsible for themselves and their choices…and that perhaps modeling good behavior and wise choices might positively influence others around them. 

I think my son has realized in this particular situation that this peer’s bullying doesn’t seem to be specifically designed just for him.  he recognizes that he/she bullies everyone around him/her, with or without reason.  I’ve recognized HIS recognition of this and commended him on remaining on the path he thinks is best – the path I suppose I have helped pave way.  that is what’s most frightening – the thought that there is error in the lessons I believe in and pass on to my children.  however, I’m (currently) confident that any errors made thus far are not malicious or intentional…I am doing the best I can. 

in my time, the rhyme went, “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  that, in fact, is dead.  it has been replaced by a cheesier-yet-more-precise version:  

“sticks and stones can break my bones, and words can hurt my heart.” 

do as much eye-rolling as you wish…believe me, I’ve done my share of it, too.  but, like it or not, bullying has become a more significant issue in our current society (thanks to technology and awareness)…and now it’s personal, which always includes a more sensitive and respectful perspective when you've walked that mile...

ribbons and guest speakers and guts of glory from a first-grader...as always, as I am a teacher, I am also a student.  i think i like it this way, scary as it may be.

sticks and stones indeed break bones…but I’m learning to guard my heart.